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The Ayahuasca Crucifixtion

It’s day 3 and the militant rhythm of clinking glass wakes me up. I look at my watch and it’s 5-fucking-30-am. We are being woken up to have our morning cup of Ajo Sacha which must be drunk before sunrise. It’s like watery garlic soup and isn’t actually too bad. It’s meant to cleanse the toxins in the blood which apparently is the reason I puff out like Nutty Professor when I get bitten by mossies. I stumble out the wooden tree-hut where we sleep, neck the cup in one, then fling myself back onto my mosquito netted mattress and have two more hours of grumpy slumber.

We are on a diet for the purpose of the “Aya” working most effectively. No salt, no sugar, no oils, no chili, oh and no wanking – apparently the aya spirit gets jealous!

The first 2 days have been tough…So far we have been eating nothing but white rice and bananas and only two cups a day at that, plus plantaine which by all accounts should taste nice, but doesn’t. (Looks like a big banana, tastes cross between a french fry that has gone stale and cardboard.) Today we are treated to one fish and papaya fruit. It’s our first protein hit of the retreat. There is complete silence for an hour as the four of us carefully suck each microbe of flesh off the bones, as if it’s nectar from the god’s.

It’s the day of the first ceremony. I have been gagging to get this party started. I am told I will have the largest cup and also go first as it’s my ‘initiation’. Oh shit.

It’s 7:30pm and a single candlelight casts a warm glow on the wooden floor set up with various shamanic nic-nacs and paraphernalia. I am invited up first to take the drink. Everyone in the circle is in the lotus sitting position as if they’re yoga veterans. It’s all a bit OTT for me but as I approach the shaman, I get caught up in the reverent atmosphere and find myself bowing my head and thrusting the round wooden cup aloft as if i’m that monkey fella that announces baby Simba to the herd.

Glugging the drink down, a fierce taste of kerosene and fermented diarrhoea fill my mouth <shudder>. Each person takes their turn to go up. The shaman and Bernadinho – the native Peruvian medicine man, who lives in the jungle, start whistling and singing shamanic songs to the group.

40 mins in and nothing is happening apart from I feel a bit queazy – I begin to wonder if it’s all mumbo jumbo. Johno one of the other group members starts being sick into his bucket accompanied by demonic, middle-earth style grunts. I pull my bucket into a decent yacking radius, just in case.

My lower back is hurting being cross-legged and I choose to lay down. I have been tense and resistant but I am starting to calm down into the perfect state of surrender. I feel this vibrational loving hand hold the back of my head. It feels as though it was giving me something I had missed out on in my life somehow, as if when I was young the back of my head wasn’t protected. I sob gently for 5 seconds until a cough in the room sobers me. I then feel this lattice energy field working its way down over and through my head like slowly running a barcode over me, decompressing through the frontal lobes, then deep into the R-Complex of my brain where the image of a snake representing the spinal chord shows up in my imagination.

Bernadinho comes over to me and he’s shaking a leafy thing over my head whilst singing a song. My hands and arms suddenly vibrate and go into acute pins and needles as if someone has pumped an electric current through me. I try and shake it off wincing in pain. I have to lie down. I pass out. I fall into a trance…

Despite finding myself in a lucid dream like state, I’m able to centre my awareness and I telepathically project an intention into the vast soup of dream-like consciousness around me.

“What’s my purpose?” (A ruddy good first question to ask I feel)

I get a profound sense that i’m meant to assist people to move from a mental based paradigm (low vibration, fear, anxiety) to heart based (high vibrational consciousness). I bask in the apotheosis of having a christ-like mission in life. So much so that I start to feel superior and elite. Then in that very moment, the various past shortfallings and frustrations in my life don’t just present themselves to me but are instantaeously manifested in that moment and projected back through my chronology as a kind of punishment for getting ahead of myself in the now, therefore teaching me the virtue of humility. I go deeper and deeper into the trance…

There’s a TV series called Life on Mars where the lead has a car crash and ends up in a coma, he wakes up and finds himself in the 1970s and the conflict he has with the chief inspector represents his battle with the coma in his original hospitalised body. The moment he disposes of the inspector is the moment his coma is no more.

In the same way, I now see my human reality is really illusory – it had been dreamt forth as a metaphor for the situation in the now and having graduated through that process, was now instantly absorbed and dissolved into the new reality as if it had never happened, like a droplet of water falling back into a whirlpool. How infinitesimally small and insignificant my life had been yet how completely equal it was to everything else in this multi-dimensional vortex where all thoughts, imagination and realities exist as equal, collapsed into itself like a never ending kaleidoscope image.

As I flop around on my mattress, It is like being strapped in on some freakish rollercoaster ride and there’s no getting off. I am dying and being reborn at a rate of knots, metamorphosing over and over again. I feel absolutely desperate, I don’t know whether i’m upside down or inside out. I’m alone with my insanity. My only companion is fear, fear that I will never come back. Time doesn’t exist and I could have been stuck like this for a thousand life times. Then again it could have been only a few minutes.

The candlelight in the room is blown out and it is now pitch black. I clamber back some awareness and I realise I need a sip of water from my bottle. In my intoxicated state, I pick up the sick bucket and lift it to my lips. As I do, I hear coincidental laughter in the room. It triggers me to assess what I’m doing and I put it down. I don’t know where the water is though, and at that precise moment, the shaman lights their mapacho cigar and walks across room. I trace the red burning embers of the end of the cigar moving through the air like a tracking beam and as they ash into the ashtray on the floor, I use this as a guidance system and I reach down directly beneath the hovering red dot and my hand lands plum on the bottle. I take a swig and as I try and put the lid back on. I can’t. Then suddenly I hear a click from someones lighter. Ah “Listen to the click”. I then click the bottle lid shut effortlessly. I pick up the sick bucket in my hands and need to be sick, but i’m just gagging. I suddenly hear someone hock up some phelgm, so I try doing the same and I immediately puke. Astonishingly, it is as if the entire room are there solely to guide me through each task or movement i’m making, gearing together like one big symphony of perfect synchronistic precision, like a Donnie Darko film. Yet it’s pitch black and its impossible that the others know what i’m doing.

My eyes are closed and I see a divine light in front of me, a narrow vertical beam of iridescent purple and gold light,and I’m gliding towards it along a razor’s edge threshold , surrounded by black emptiness either side. Am I entering into death, heaven, hell or what? What is this light? As I get closer I have a sense that this is the divine, containing infinite awareness. This is god. As I get near, I see the temptations of sex and other low level bestial debauchery from deep within the pits of darkness, offered to me by a long connecting chord which is a snake with an apple in it’s mouth. It’s as if the forbidden fruit of temptation is there to test me to see if my purpose waivers and lures me back into mortality. Whilst this happens, the following words come to me as a felt experience:

“Will you choose to carry your wisdom on selflessly?”

I contemplate the seductive sensual pleasures. A disgruntled cough from across the room bellows out at that exact moment.

Ok I choose “YES” I am the man for the job. The narrow beam of light opens and engulfs me into the everlasting light. It was as if I had experienced my own judgment day and by making my decision to share my gift I had chosen to accept life, accept god, as opposed to seeking the distracting temptations and therefore death. I was in a new world.

“Welcome to interdimensional reality” calls out Shae who is now sat beside me. What! but how did he…! The synchronisity is unfathomable.

It was as if I had died and he was welcoming me into this celestial heaven. He was no longer Shae but my guardian brother angel. His soft reassuring aussie voice was the embodiment of the exact voice I would want to hear if entering heaven for the first time. It was uncanny. I feel like my human sense of self had dissolved and I was in another dimension. I had passed over. Was I prepared to be in this heaven and still help people. I said yes. Was I prepared to die for the rest of humanity? Ah fuck ok.

It was as if this was a spiritual test to see how far I was prepared to go.

Everyone in room is now surrounding me. Why? Did my human self die. Is my human body in a coma, having a heart attack, like in Life on Mars, which is allowing me to be in this alternative dimenson/heaven? I realise that my human self is miles from a hospital and if i was having a cardiac arrest I’d be too far from help, and so my death would be inevitable.

I look up and directly above me is a wooden cross in the roof…

I’m dying on the cross…i’m dying a sacrificial death…i’m Jesus 2.0!

“I know it’s hard but just think what’s happening here” guardian angel Shae, says. (my current translation: “look I know you don’t want to die, but you’re jesus christ – how cool is that”)

“Star Child, Star Child” sings the shaman with teary eyes and a wimpering tone of astonishment in her voice.

 

I can feel a hand on my chest around my heart. Yup that’s it I am dying, probably a heart attack. Can I let go of my human self and passover. Or do I resist?

 

I can hear the sweet sound of a harp welcoming me into heaven, (which turns out to be James playing on his flute…) combined with huffing n’ puffing as if everyone is sad yet overjoyed at being an integral part of this second-coming miracle unfolding.

 

In the narrative I was forming, the group, have lived their pre-destined lives, prologued up to this exact symbolic moment in time and place to bare witness as the sacred disciples of this holy death. They are the 5 guardians, the 5 key elements brought together in this symbolic star of david perfection – The Shaman as the divine feminine, James the watchman and protector, Shae the eternal brother, Bernadinho the huntsman, and Johno the hidden love. Their lives and mine finally made sense.

It’s a holy of holy experiences.

 

As I lay down , my arms open up wide into the crucifix T-position. I am willing to die in this monumental way, whilst my soul slipped into eternal awareness…but what about my mum and family I thought.

Suddenly, “Madre” “Madre” sings Bernadinho from across the room. (which means mum in Spanish)

I was dying a symbolic death on the cross which was above my head. The cross represented centre point when everything returns back to complete balance just before it ascends.

 

But I don’t want to die. If I fight it, perhaps I can kick myself out of the heart attack. As I struggle and sit up, the group are trying to hold me into this celestial heaven and not let me go back to mortal human reality, whereas really they are just relaxing me. They convince me to surrender… I collapse back and my head lands perfectly and perpendicularly on my pillow.

 

I remain still and allow myself to enter into the light, into god.

 

“But what if I get bored with infinite wisdom and awareness.?” – I am shown what dreams are for.

I slowly immerse into the light and as I enter, I wake up instantly. I look round the room and everyone is back doing their own thing.

 

Its the end of the ceremony, the end of my journey… and It turns out i’m not Jesus, thank Christ.

“I know it’s hard but just think what’s happening here” guardian angel Shae, says. (my current translation: “look I know you don’t want to die, but you’re jesus christ – how cool is that”)

“Star Child, Star Child” sings the shaman with teary eyes and a wimpering tone of astonishment in her voice.

I can feel a hand on my chest around my heart. Yup that’s it I am dying, probably a heart attack. Can I let go of my human self and passover. Or do I resist?

I can hear the sweet sound of a harp welcoming me into heaven, (which turns out to be James playing on his flute…) combined with huffing n’ puffing as if everyone is sad yet overjoyed at being an integral part of this second-coming miracle unfolding.

In the narrative I was forming, the group, have lived their pre-destined lives, prologued up to this exact symbolic moment in time and place to bare witness as the sacred disciples of this holy death. They are the 5 guardians, the 5 key elements brought together in this symbolic star of david perfection – The Shaman as the divine feminine, James the watchman and protector, Shae the eternal brother, Bernadinho the huntsman, and Johno the hidden love. Their lives and mine finally made sense.

It’s a holy of holy experiences.

As I lay down , my arms open up wide into the crucifix T-position. I am willing to die in this monumental way, whilst my soul slipped into eternal awareness…but what about my mum and family I thought.

Suddenly, “Madre” “Madre” sings Bernadinho from across the room. (which means mum in Spanish)

I was dying a symbolic death on the cross which was above my head. The cross represented centre point when everything returns back to complete balance just before it ascends.

But I don’t want to die. If I fight it, perhaps I can kick myself out of the heart attack. As I struggle and sit up, the group are trying to hold me into this celestial heaven and not let me go back to mortal human reality, whereas really they are just relaxing me. They convince me to surrender… I collapse back and my head lands perfectly and perpendicularly on my pillow.

I remain still and allow myself to enter into the light, into god.

“But what if I get bored with infinite wisdom and awareness.?” – I am shown what dreams are for.

I slowly immerse into the light and as I enter, I wake up instantly. I look round the room and everyone is back doing their own thing.

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